21 unsexiest things about sêx [that nobody tells you]

Regardless of what we’ve been made to believe
in movies, sex isn’t all sweet and perfectly
choreographed. Things can actually get messy
and a little ugly… but you already know that,
right?

Romantic comedies would have you believe that
sex is all cuddles and crisp white bed sheets and
intimate climaxes over and over again as you
make sweet passionate love from dusk till dawn.
It isn’t.
Mostly because who on earth wants to go to work
on two hours’ sleep?
So, just because it’s nice to be honest about sex,
here’s the 21 unsexiest things about it.
1. The smell. That smell. You know the one.
The indescribable combination of semen,
lady juice and sweat. Nice.
2. Removing socks. Hey, let me just try and
hop around n***d while I pull a sock
printed with dinosaurs off my foot.
Especially unsexy when your partner is
trying to continue the foreplay by latching
onto your n****e while you wrestle with
your ankle.
3. Fanny farts.
4. Or even worse, those real farts that slip
out when you least suspect it.
5. Getting sex cramp in your leg. Feeling like
someone may have slipped a dagger into
your thigh and not knowing the best way
to respond.
6. Getting semen in your eye. Or in your
hair. Or anywhere that isn’t your private
parts. How long are you supposed to wait
until you start the thorough clean-up
process?
7. Also, swallowing semen and trying to
pretend that it tastes like a peanut butter
milkshake rather than, well, a slimy, salty
bogey.
8. Your underwear. Because however much
you try and plan it, you’ll always get laid
when you’re wearing the greying pants
with a hole in the back. You should really
throw those bad boys out.
9. The awkward “oh… you’re bleeding”. It’s
never actual blood though, just that
brown-coloured discharge *shudders*.
10. The crab shuffle off the bed, and the race
against time to make it to the toilet
without leaving a stream of semen in your
wake.
11. But failing, and having a nice trickle of the
white stuff down your leg.
12. Trying to talk dirty. What words are you
supposed to use? “I want you to stick your
willy in my p***y”.
13. Trying to strip, while sober and in silence.
Oh, you don’t get an erection from me
battling with my jumpsuit?
14. Orgasm faces. They’re probably quite
similar to the face of someone who’s just
been shot. Probably.
15. Pubic hair. They’re scratchy and wirey.
They get in your mouth. They need
grooming. They’re just a sex hazard aren’t
they?
16. The sweat. The sweat that makes your
perfectly placed fringe stick to your
forehead like a greasy pre-teen, and your
make-up melt down your face until you
look like a serial killer. Cute.
17. Dryness. Trying to approach foreplay with
the excitement levels of the Sahara Desert.
It kinda hurts.
18. Doggy style. Just, doggy style. What
horrible person invented this?
19. The crippling jaw ache that comes with too
much blowing. Imagine if you put that
much energy into the gym, eh?
20. Penises and vaginas in general. No, really,
think about this one. Are they not just the
ugliest things on your entire body? Why
couldn’t they just look more like your arm
or something?
21. And finally, rolling into a wet patch you
had no idea was still there.